Hands up then, who knows anything about any Wigan Athletic player other than Rodallega?
Out of all the teams in this season’s Premier League I know little, if anything, about the Latics, which is a bit worrying when so much is riding on Sunday’s game.
So in an attempt to lift our spirits and inject some much needed positivity around the place, I have done some extensive scouting on their team.
And in a buoyant message of cheer for us all I can exclusively reveal that:
We will win on Sunday!!
They will play one up front and whoever that one is, he will struggle to score goals according to their handful of fans.
They will clog the midfield with last Saturday’s man-of-the-match David Jones still figuring, and still turning like a pint of Cravendale.
Meanwhile their defence features the only Premier League centre half (Caldwell) to boast the remarkable footballing award that fellow pros still look at with mingled awe and consternation…The ‘I’m slower than Berra accolade.’
In addition, two of their outstanding players who masterminded their 2-1 win over us last season won’t be playing this time – Cleverley and N’Zogbia.
To further back up my positive prediction, the following points system can now be unveiled to remove any lingering doubt – even from the most miserable of cynics.
Wolves
Hennessey (out of 10) 8
Having craftily decided to get rid of his two clangers for the season in a game we were never going to win anyway, the UK’s hottest young prospect can focus on what he’s best at…Being the best keeper outside the top 4 *
*As confirmed by Mick this week.
Stearman 7
Don’t let your hearts rule your heads. True, your heart is lodged in your mouth when he has time to think about things, but your head remembers those first three games of the season, which we all know are the most important of the season.
Johnson 7
Well, we all wanted him in the summer and we got him. I know he’s been a bit statuesque of late, but we’re not wrong are we? For that alone he’s worth a seven. He’s such a good talker before games that come Friday evening, he’ll be on an eight, rising to a nine come the city final edition on Saturday night.
Berra 7
Deceptively slow, which is an advantage in itself. No striker believes they can win a 30 – 70 or 40 – 60 ball against them even if they can, so they don’t ever bother. And because he still hasn’t scored in 150 odd games, he’s vital on Sunday due to the Law of Sod.
Ward 8
Player of the season so far. Plus, what other player in the history of the Premier League has ever played left back and striker in the space of two weeks?
Guedioura 7
Yes, he might lose the ball more than Tiger Woods on a lads night out in Carnoustie, but he set-up a goal at the Etihad. Not many other midfielders will boast that this season, so he gets an immediate seven.
Henry 7
Any player who can break into the provisional England squad is worth a seven. Just look at Jay Bothroyd, who Neil Warnock swears by.
O’Hara 7
Any player who can boast a girlfriend like Danielle Lloyd is also worth a seven. Look at Teddy Sheringham, Jermaine Defoe and…
…Marcus Bent. I think he is getting back to something like now and predict he’s about to make a big impact.
Hunt 7
100 per cent penalty record after his Man City success was added to his beauty against Doncaster in the FA Cup last season. That’s worth a Len Goodman alone.
Doyle 7
Yes he hasn’t looked the same as last season but think of this: Two goals this season, which is only one less than Anelka and Torres put together, who cost £65 million combined. So he’s worth £21.6m by my maths.
Jarvis 7
It’s not that his delivery is bad, but more the fact it is unpredictable. If he doesn’t know where he is putting it, the defender won’t have a clue. Plus, he is an England international which immediately earns at least seven.
TOTAL: 79
Wigan
Al Habsi 4
He gets four because that’s the number of people across the UK to have him in their Fantasy Football teams (Including Thomas, judging by the table). Also the number of clean sheets he has kept in two years.
Alcaraz 4
So poor that noboby on Wikipedia knows how many games he ever played for his first professional club, how many goals or what they were even called. So for that Mr Alcaraz, you get a 4.
Caldwell 3
The only Scottish defender that makes Berra look jet heeled. Caldwell gets a three to represent the number of gears he has in the locker. And of those three, he is exclusively stuck in third with the rev counter ripping up through his chest.
Crusat 6
He is Spanish and because of this fact I can only judge him on previous Spaniards I have seen at Molineux, namely Fernando Gomez and Jesus Sanjuan. He gets a six though, as he has loads of pace and I do like pace.
Watson 4
No player to have played for the Albion is allowed more than a four, unless their name is Steve Bull, Robbie Dennison or Andy Thompson (pen). I’m sure he snubbed us once as well. Or was that the other ugly ginger haired one?
Moses 6
Has lost a lot of weight since appearing in Big Brother a few years back and looks all the better for it. I am not going to put the jinx on this player as I rate him highly. He’s also got pace to burn along with Crusat, so I am getting slightly concerned now.
Boyce 5
Boycey used to play for Luton and really shouldn’t be playing in the Premier League. Why? Because he was born in Aylesbury and plays for Barbados.
Jones 5
Based on the fact he is one of our rejects, he can’t possibly get higher than a five. If he could, we’d still have him. And anyway, our players will know him better than he knows himself so there’s no way we’ll give him a second on the ball on his left foot. Clipboard has all this written down so fear not.
Rodallega 6
Only averages a goal every four games, so he’s no better than Doyle. Forget the fact he is yet to score this season. Roger Johnson has just revealed that he’s up for the game on Sunday.
Diame 6
He reckons Real Madrid and Barcelona were interested once upon a time. And to think Stuart Baggs got fired on The Apprentice for lying on his CV. I’m all for bigging up a player, but this smacks of scare-mongering. For that he gets six, as I am a bit scared.
Figueroa 5
True, he has scored long range belters worthy of goal of the season awards, but Hennessey never gets beaten by long range does he? Therefore, his threat is immediately negated. Plus, he will never have seen a player like Stephen Hunt anywhere in Honduras before. I hope not for Hunty’s skin complexion.
TOTAL: 54
So there you have it folks. We are 25 points better than them already. This will be reflected in the Premier League table come May, don’t worry. With all this in mind, we can’t possibly fail to win on Sunday!
Aw, but this makes me even more nervous! By all right we should beat Wigan – but the more encouraging the signs are, the more I feel that we’re just gonna flop and get beaten!
Then again…we can beat Wigan! Definitely!
[Forgot to add… this was funny! :)]
I think Caldwell is suspended for too many yellows, so if he’s a 3, the guy on the bench has to be a 2. So we have that going for us, which is nice.
Brilliant just brilliant. You forgot that the us fans just turning up should give us some extra points as everybody knows that Wigan only have one fan and he’s only their because he got confused and thought he was walking into a sportswear shop.
Cheers Sheffield! another very good point, too!
Should I laugh or cry?
Simple as we have to WIN ….
2-0 O’hara , Hunt.
Well thought out and excellently written.
You have given up your day job then, as you obviously have far too much spare time??!!
or perhaps he’s just that damn good? 😉
Cheers Clive. If you must know I’m on holiday and too much time on my hands, so youre right!
Interesting ratings. Which games were these based on ? Think you’re avin a larf. Without Fletch and fact they have outplayed us at home for past two seasons think it will be very tight but we should prevail. My prediction is 2-1 but based purely on hope. UTW
Ben,
Funny but i just wonder if taking the piss is going to come back to bite us on the rectum
Ben
Unfortunately you mentioned the PACE word twice and with our juggernaut back two this scares the hell out of me. We have to be more offensive. Don’t want Doyle back for corners-thats what defenders are for. Lets have an outball–and not the ridiculous sight V QPR when there was no Wolves player between our pen. area and the half-way line-that was after 10 minutes!
We can and should win this one-just hope MM and Clipboard don’t make it too complicated and pick the right team-Football is simple really. UTW
Please Ben, be the referee on Sunday!
(I LOL’d at Andy Thompson (pen) …)
HA HA! Nice work Ben!!! Be interesting to see how our players’ season so far ratings would actually look (with tongue out of cheek).
2-0 to us. PLEASE.
Don’t forget to knock off 25 points for Wolves for the dreaded “Molineux Factor” *
* as confirmed by Johnson and O’Hara after every defeat.
Very good point Jed, but you’re referring to the mindless idiots,and they ‘deserve no credit, recognition,call it what you want, for anything.’
So don’t worry, they can’t affect anything. The 25pts remain intact.
I seem to remember many of us writing off QPR and look what happened, but what I would say is that IF we are going to pick up points it should be against the likes of Wigan.
Great article, only it was far outshone by the Berra road sign. Just fantastic.
Why thank you. About time my Photoshop skillz were commended.
Cheap shot with the Fantasy Football Benny boy.
Clever move making Ba your skipper though (you jammy bastard).
You’ve still got to go 28 gameweeks and get something and I’ll tell you this now, I will love it if I beat you. Love it!
…not that I’m bothered.
If Dave Whelan, bless him, would stop doing his Jack Hayward impression, and underwrite his managers` signings then Wigan would fall without trace back to the level their awful support and pitch sharing deserve.
They even have to sell their best player every year to keep some sort of financial stability. Not a problem MM has to worry about.
So much for Dave Jones` aspirations for a move to a club ready to pay some silly wages, it will be an interesting battle between him and the marginally more mobile o`Hara.
If we can`t beat Wigan, well frankly where do we go from there? This really is the must win game, and i`m looking forward to putting my season ticket back in my wallet after 2 weeks away, and praying for the three points. Even if we win the next disaster will only just be around the corner.
Jesus Christ they must be bad. That was out of 100 right? 😉
On another note, you would think it would be impossible for Wolves to make a dick of themselves during the week when they’re not playing. But alas, the firm building our stadium is in administration. You’d have thought we’d have checked that sort of thing first? Well done Steve ‘construction expert’ Morgan.
Thinking about Ward and whether any other Prem player has played fullback and striker – I know it was the old Div 1 not the prem but I seem to remember George Showell, normally a dependable full-back, having a few games up front for us. I can’t remember why we’d got no fit centre-forwards but he was one of several who had a go in the no.9 shirt – I think Peter Broadbent was another.
I do feel we’re going to win one by several goals before too long – why not against Wigan.
Not the top flight but one word – Shabba.
I remember Fred Davis (goalie) playing center forward for the reserves once.
Does that count?
Didn’t Gary Doherty play defence and attack for Spurs?
jazzwolf-Were you thinking of David Woodfield?
“Mick McCarthy today insisted Wolves are still capable of a top-10 finish – but they may need to repeat their end to last season to achieve it.”
Quote from E & S.
Remind me, but didn’t we lose our last match, at home, and only survived thanks to the crappness of those around us?
The only top ten he’ll have us finish in is the championship, and we’ll be lucky to get that high!!!
What a complete tosser.
FOMM
“Remind me, but didn’t we lose our last match, at home, and only survived thanks to the crappness of those around us?”
That’s the whole point of the relegation system, isn’t it We were better than three other teams. We survived.
However, even I have to admit that given the situation saying we could finish in the top ten is a tall order!
Made me laugh! This is exactly why fans boo. It heightens expectations.
Top 10 finish?! LOL
Can’t help thinking about the last two seasons! We never do anththing good against Wigan so let’s hope that this year is all change.
Losing is unthinkable but don’t be fooled they have been playing a lot better than their position/results suggest. They also have a great team spirit and what I consider a good manager so anything is possible. I still see it as a 3-1 win to Wolves with Hammill scoing his first PL goal :-))))
Lord knows what will be on the blogs come Monday if I’m wrong and we lose :-((
Well, we broke the draught against Blackburn, right?
…We then failed to win at the Hawthorns afterwards… So one monkey on the back gone, one monkey remains… that means another monkey is set to be rid of!
See ya then, Hamsterlet!!!!
Okay, okay… I concede, that made me smile! 😛
Somebody was bored.
3 – 1 to the Wolves.
Dave Jones to score twice.
Ben, I’ve just noticed a problem with your logic…
You have mande absolutely no calculations on the ‘happy clapper’ effect and the ‘numpty’ effect of the fans – I find both can significantly change overall statistics at times!
I have it covered Hamlet. Numpties don’t count, as Mick has basically said himself, while happy clappers are worth one ‘positivity point’ each. We have about 50 of those here – who I genuinely love BTW. Extrapolate that figure by those we have at Molineux on Sunday and we are looking at a good 10,000 positivity points, making it 10,025 altogether.
This is more evidence that we will definitely win. Thanks Hamlet!
Glad to be of assistance! 🙂
Even with the ‘numpty’ factor considered that score’s a very healthy 7534!
There’s an omission on the Wigan RFC team appraisal… Franco de Santos. He keeps shooting from about 40 yards, getting insanely lucky deflections and scoring. He probably gets about a 6.
This is not why he’s noteworthy though. The lad looks like he should have played a loveable homeless scamp in an 80s family movie, probably starring micheal Jackson. Seriously, he reminds me of the kid out of Santa Claus The Movie.
I’ve been a wolves fan for far too long to expect us to get anything out of a must win game like this. My normal optimism is replaced by a fear we’ll capitulate yet again. I didn’t enter the free tickets competition cos I couldn’t bear a repeat of boxing day last year.
I really bloody hate Wigan being in the prem tho, what a waste of a place when bigger clubs like Leeds, forest and Walsall are languishing in the lower leagues.
When were Leeds a big club??!!
We all f…in’ hate Leeds!!!!!
Walsall? You’re joking aint ya? Don’t think that’s a reason to hate someone to be honest. You’ve got to earn the right, and teams like Leeds and Forest haven’t.
Rich, i’ve lived most of my adult life in Bournemouth and have a certain fondness for their football team.
Harry Redknapp achieved what no other manager has done in getting this small club promoted to the second tier of English football, now the championship.
I think it was the last game of the season, certainly a bank holiday weekend, when they played Leeds Utd at home. Leeds won 1-0 thus securing promotion for themselves and at the same time, relegating Bournemouth. Their ‘fans’ spent the whole weekend before, during and after the game, smashing up the town, ground and any unfotunate person, supporter or otherwise, who had the misfortune to get in their way.
Certainly don’t hate Leeds but i take a certain pleasure in their fall from grace. I did enjoy their last home result for example.I reckon i’ve earned the right.
In some ways our biggest game of the season so far.
If we can’t beat Wigan then we’ll have a better idea of where we really stand in this league
1-0 Wanderers
Seriously folks this game is nearly as big as the Blackburn game last season
i only hope it does’nt end in the same result…NOT looking forward to it.
Absolutely brilliant article Ben, laughed out loud at numerous points. I also now feel completely reassured and will be expecting a comfortable three points come Sunday
Brilliant Ben, any marks for the managers!
Martinez gets a healthy mark as he snubbed Villa to concentrate on relegation – good gag. I’m a bit resentful about Roberto though, as I thought we’d got the talented ‘amigo’ when we signed Izzy Diaz years ago. We clearly hadnt as Diaz was utter shit. I give him a 6.
As for Mick…he gets a 10. 11 for getting us up, keeping us up, -3 for some dodgy signings and tactics, and a furthur 2pts for winding up Clive from Houston more than George Bush, Jeff Astle and Louie combined.
Another cause for optimism for Sunday Robin!
You know how to brighten up a rainy morning!
Your humour alone has me predicting a 3-0 comfortable victory, optimism, tinged by lingering McCarthy doubts, until the next match!
Brilliant stuff! An excellent lunch time read. Thanks Ben!
Our attacking defiecencies have been left too long we could get done on the counter attack again.
No, it was George Showell I had in mind – David Woodfield may well have done the same sort of thing although it doesn’t ring any bells with me.
Peole always spoke of Alan Sunderland as having played every outfield position – I don’t know how literal that’s supposed to be – so he might be on the list as well.
love your ratings mate. another spot on blog