Being as I am a miserable so and so, I thought I’d stay true to form by picking my worst ever Wolves XI for a bit of a laugh.
One way of looking at this exercise is that I am a) cleansing my mind and general outlook and b) Displaying that however we do this season, it could be a whole lot worse.
So consider this as a colonic irrigation for my stodgy, poopy, smelly pessimism. (this is from the period 1988 – 2009)
Please bear in mind that my choices are purely on the games I have seen these players play in. IE, I will not opt for Jesus Sanjuan, Jens Dowe, etc, purely as I never saw them, or couldn’t remember seeing them.
So in goal, number one, Tony Lange. Ex-WBA which doesn’t help and utter tripe. I recall a ‘Weetabix dive’ at home to Brighton when we lost 4-2 in 89/90. Shipped goals like a bear ships shit in the woods.
Number 2: Mark Rankine. ‘Shabba’ came as a midfielder from some racked off team, and immediately revealed he had an eye for goal. I believe his one and only goal was a diving header at home to Cambridge (in his first game?) but that was a false dawn and a half. His flat feet and Big Mamma backside made him look like a penguin with a darts board up his arse. Turner moved him to right back, and he stank there too. Plus, I can’t put him centre mid as I have an embarrassment of riches for that position.
Number 3: Oleg Luzhny. Oh dear. I was mildly excited about us signing the ex-Ukraine captain, but in a meagre 16 appearances for us, I can’t honestly remember a decent performance. Perhaps the expectation was on his shoulders as he was the only Premier League transfer that anyone had heard of. Plus, I always consoled myself with the thought that Arsene Wenger knew his eggs when it came to players. Either Luzhny started smoking crack when he joined us, or he was just gut-wrenchingly shit.
Number 4: Paul Stancliffe. The former Sheffield United centre back forged the slowest defensive partnership in football history with the late, not very great, Rob Hindmarch (RIP). They were so slow, so hairy and so primitive I actually once thought I witnessed evolution going back two stages in one game. He also scored the most hilarious own goal of all time, when he larruped an innocuous, slow pass / cross into his own net from 6 yards, despite no opposition player being in our half (seriously). We lost 5-0 v Barnsley in that game. Great time
Number 5: Joachim Bjorkland. He may have been decent once, but he wasn’t when he played for us. In fact, did he ever play for us? It always incensed me how he signed on a 1 year deal as a 33 year old, yet Jez Moxey would not sign Paul Butler on a 2 year deal as a 32 year old, as he was too old? Confused.com
Number 6: Darren Ferguson. Remember the chants: “Who needs Cantona when we’ve got Ferguson”? I forget how funny us fans can be!!! No offence Darren, but I did need Cantona quite badly, along with every other joker who sang that song. At the time, Graham Turner needed Cantona, Sir Jack’s gold Barclaycard and a genie in a bottle. Didn’t help Darren’s cause that we bought Chris Marsden at the same time for a fraction of the cost, who was a million times better.
Number 7: Seyi Olofinjana. Sorry folks, you might not agree with this, but I just thought he was complete rot. The championship’s greatest midfielder, our very own Patrick Vieira. Maybe, once every 15 games. In between, you had an imposter who flinched and ducked like Mary Whitehouse at an Amsterdam ping pong show. I’m sure there are far worse centre midfielders to choose from, but I can’t think of them at the moment.
Number 8: Tim Steele. Our very own Forrest Gump. He ran in straight lines only, and had to be the most uncouth, unskilled winger since, well, there’s the problem. I had been reared exclusively on Robbie Dennison, so I immediately resented him. Another good reason is that I was promised his autograph as a little nipper, only for him to completely custard pie me and my Dad. You see Tim, revenge is a dish best served cold. Ha!
Number 9: Robert Taylor. Colin Lee went and bought this blob from rehab, I said NO, NO, NO! Not sure if he was in rehab or not, but he sure played like he did. Colin Lee’s entire tenure is now defined by this gargantuan mistake, such is the magnitude of it. I really loved what Colin Lee was trying to build at Molineux. Astute signings, along with some proven players such as Alan Nielsen and Keith Curle made me believe again, only for him to have a complete brainwave and buy this lump with the last remaining pennies in the bank. Colin, you’re fired.
Number 10: Tomasz Frankowski. Final piece in the jigsaw my rectum.
Number 11: Stephen Elliott. ‘Sleeves’ is playing right midfield in this formation, bearing in mind that Mick said he was the best player in that position in the whole league when Kightly was injured. Maybe this inclusion is more a symbolic one..Symbolic of all the players we’ve invested time and money in due to genuine track record, only for said player to spunk it back in our faces. His point blank miss at QPR made me cry. (Cue new terrace name of Missy Elliott). He then came back and made me cry for a second time when he scored twice for Preston against us. Nice one.
* Thomas: Where I’ve added comical images rather than pictures of the players themselves, it’s because I couldn’t find a picture of them on the whole of the internet. A true mark of shitness.