After a week of Wolves making the headlines for their so-called physical approach, Martin reflects on the changing attitude towards the game.

Those who read my first Wolves blog will know I’m not in the first flush of youth. In fact, I’m getting on a bit. OK, I’m bleedin’ ancient. I’m so old, when I started playing, they were still using the W formation (any youngsters should ask their granddads), studs were hammered in with nails (honest) and balls were made of uncoated leather with a thick lace to hold them together. This meant that on a wet day the ball weighed about a stone and a half and players (especially centre halves and centre forwards ) were sometimes seen tottering around the pitch, in varying degrees of consciousness, with impressions of the lace imprinted on their forehead.

Henry has found himself at the center of some unjustified allegations this week

Well, this set me to wondering. You see, I used to head the ball a lot myself and I’m wondering if this explains why my memory seems to be getting progressively worse. I mean, I used to know all the rules of football without a thought, but when I watch games now, I realise I don’t know them at all. Here are a few examples:-

Obstruction

I used to think you obstructed another player by deliberately stepping into his line of play anywhere on the pitch. Now I realise that this general rule does not apply, if the ball is rolling towards the goal line. In this circumstance, a defender may jump in front of the attacker from any position. He is then allowed, by using the combined method of standing arms akimbo and sticking his arse out like a ruptured duck, to escort the ball carefully towards the line. This operation can be fairly lengthy and is, of course, fully in accordance with FIFA’s vision for a fast and flowing game. When the ball does finally cross the line, the referee, in full agreement with his assistant, shall award a goal kick as no obstruction has occurred. On the other hand, if such conduct occurs in general play, it will be deemed as flagrant obstruction and a free kick awarded.

Use of hands

I used to think that if you were an outfield player, your hands could be used for three things:

• both hands to take a throw in

• one or two hands to plead for a pass

• one hand to raise triumphantly à la Denis Law when you’ve just scored a sensational goal (i.e. bounced in off your arse when you were looking at something else).

Whereas, now, I realise hands can be used for a whole host of things, such as:

• Pushing away another player who is trying to make a legitimate tackle. This is known as ‘using your strength’.

• Grabbing an opponent’s shirt to prevent him from making a dangerous run or from performing a piece of exquisite skill to entertain the crowd. This, of course, is fully in accordance with FIFA’s vision for a fast and flowing game. In fairness, referees do occasionally penalise this but not always because, you know, the players do it so cleverly and they’ve been getting away with it for so long and they all do it these days anyway, don’t they?

• Holding a player at a corner who might otherwise score a goal and unnecessarily excite and entertain the crowd, which is fully in accordance with FIFA’s etc. (In Champions League matches, bigger, richer clubs such as Inter Milan, who can afford to send players on sumo and Cumbrian wrestling classes, may also utilise the bear hug). Obviously, the referee can’t penalise such behaviour because, well, that would be a penalty and you can’t give a penalty for every corner, because the scores would get silly and it would be against FIFA’s vision for etc. etc. I mean, they’ve been getting away with it for so long and they all do it anyway, don’t they?

There is, however, one player who needs to think twice about using his hands and this, of course, is the goalkeeper. Any keeper who attempts to dive on the ball and accidentally catches the player shall, of course, be penalised and a penalty awarded. The goalkeeper shall, of course, also be sent to the stands. Once the penalty has been converted, the match becomes a completely one- sided, meaningless bore (this, of course, is fully in line with FIFA’s etc.) and spectators might just as well have stayed down the pub and spent the huge cost of the entrance fee on getting pleasantly rat-arsed. But, of course, these rather draconian measures only apply to misdemeanours inside the box. If goalies will insist on standing, well, um, in front of their goal, it serves them right, dunnit?

And it’s not just the rules I’ve forgotten, it’s the words as well. There’s a whole language called ‘AndyGrayish’ which I have no memory of at all. I really need to learn it, though, if I want to carry on discussing Wolves intelligently. And I’ve made a start. I know the erstwhile mentioned ‘using your strength’ (pushing away someone who is trying to make a fair tackle). Oh, and I particularly like the one for deliberately falling over if you have lost control of the ball, or you think you might get a penalty – ‘going to ground’. Silly me, I thought we called that cheating.

OK, you’ve guessed it; I haven’t really forgotten the rules. It just drives me crazy the players don’t have to play to them anymore. You can’t blame FIFA though, can you? They’re doing their best to advance good sporting behaviour. I mean, whatever sneaky, devious, cheating methods players are allowed to get away with during the game, they’d bloomin’ well better make sure they shake hands before it.

I know what you youngsters are thinking; this old git’s living in the past. Football’s a much better standard these days and cloggers like Chopper Harris and Norman ‘bite yer legs’ Hunter (who?) can’t get away with it anymore. And you’re absolutely right. Good riddance to those players who took pride in trying to cripple the opposition. But it’s a great sadness to me that, after largely ridding our beautiful game of this thuggery, FIFA have allowed endemic cheating to replace it. Holding, shirt pulling, diving, feigning injury, time-wasting, abusing the referee, trying to get players sent off – the list is endless. And there is absolutely no need for it. FIFA could eradicate it by upholding the rules, by giving penalties for holding in the area, by consistently booking and sending off players who deliberately pull opponents back. By giving long bans to players who feign injury when video evidence proves they haven’t been touched. They would soon stop if they were losing an advantage, not gaining one.

The real sadness to me, though, is that if you don’t cheat in football these days, you’re never going to win anything. There is no coincidence in the fact that the higher the league the more cheating you see. You only have to watch Champions league matches. Wonderful skill but appalling deceit. And who were the biggest cheats last year? Well, the winners of course, Inter Milan.

Football is still a wonderful game but don’t you think it could be so much better if the game was more honest? As it stands, though, our beloved Wolves are going to have to learn all the tricks PDQ if they want to survive and progress at this level. One little example; there was some discussion on this blog recently, about why Jarvis didn’t get a penalty against Newcastle. I’ll tell you why. Because he got straight up again. Next time, Jarvo, do the right thing, cheat. Stay down and writhe in agony like the top players would. Probable result: penalty and two more vital points. Oh and if you do it really well you might even get the bugger sent off.

Perfect!