Like most right minded people I hate my job.

I particularly hate my job in the summer when I can’t rely on football chat to help fill those awkward moments around the coffee machine. Instead each morning is a slow death as I dredge my subconscious in a desperate effort to plug that deafening silence coming up with such pearls as “Weather’s shit again”, “What a lovely sunny morning” and the dreaded “So, busy then?”. The latter invariably meets with the response “Yeah, flat out” even though you know full well that they are sitting at their desk surreptitiously eating Jaffa Cakes and cruising the internet for cheap sci-fi DVDs.

It also seems in vogue at the moment for people at work and the halfwits on Sky Sports News to bemoan how short the summer break from football is. I for one couldn’t disagree more and would happily see footballers flogged all year round like the bloody rest of us. But that’s by the by and I fear I’m in the minority on this (or more likely the silent majority). As the close season drags on endlessly (and in between devising my next conversational masterpiece to dazzle my work colleagues) my mind wanders to next season.

This week I have been mainly wondering who’d be El Capitano if (heaven forbid!) Craddock and Henry were both struck down or indeed dropped. These seem the best candidates:

Christophe Berra: Yogi was made captain at the Jambos when just 22. By all accounts he found it particularly stressful dealing with all the off field antics the Romanov circus brought to the Edinburgh club and isn‘t keen to take up the mantle again. Probably needs to concentrate on defending for the time being anyway;

Chris Iwelumo: If my memory serves me correctly (which it probably doesn’t) Big Chris was stand in captain at times last season. What with the broken foot and Doyle’s arrival Big Chris is going to have a fight to get back into the first team so captaincy seems unlikely;

Nenad Milijas: Former captain of Red Star Belgrade so he’s no shrinking violet. Whether someone with a drink driving conviction is a suitable captain is another question altogether.

Kevin Foley: Foles doesn’t appear the most vocal of players but many a great captain has lead by example. My personal choice at least until we sign Stevie G.

Let me know if I have missed someone obvious. Also I‘ve just been watching Psychoville on BBC2 and pontificating on potential dwarf on dwarf action. Would their child automatically be a dwarf or could he/she be a regularly sized human?

The only things about pre-season that I actually embrace are seeing Mick McCarthy in shorts, having a good bit of room to stretch my legs, and the blissfully peaceful half times with no Molineux ‘entertainment’ or that nuisance two step dance academy.

Speaking of which, have any of you lot contemplated giving the fat blonde piece one for a bit of a laugh? It usually enters my head during the cold winter months as she lumbers around in spandex leotard.

I figured that it would warm me up better than a cup of Bovril, and wouldn’t cost £2.10 for the privilege. Plus, it might get me closer to the more lithe members of the troupe.

Ask you can tell, pre-season bores me. In a strange kind of way, it is probably better being a lower division club at this time of summer, as fans can enjoy a rare day in the sunshine when their side has claimed a scalp from a higher league.

Presumably, Port Vale supporters are feeling suitably chirpy. But I reckon a fair few of them also feel the same way – longing for a referee to heartily berate and a goal to celebrate with real gusto.

So to while away these tedious hours before the season properly begins, I have been reminiscing about the best halves of football I have ever seen. What are yours?

I have immediately come up with three games:

1.       Notts Forest 1st half last season 4-0 up

2.       Leicester 2nd half in 2003/04 when we scored 4 to win 4-3

3.       Birmingham City when we won 3-2, Bully bagging the winner (1995 at a guess?)

You might say I’m putting our 4-0 first half drubbing of Forest down as number 1 because it was so recent.

Maybe, but I don’t care. It was the most awesome performance I can ever remember, with 3 of the 4 goals contenders for goal of the season in their own right.

The game told me more than any player interview, media column inch or opposition endorsement ever could. Kightly one side, Jarvis the other, and the blissful knowledge that every time we attacked, we were going to rip them to pieces. It was a half to define our glorious season.

And that fourth goal…Oh that joyous fourth goal. Henry first won the ball in his own half, and held off the challenges of two Forest players before shaping a beautiful ball behind their full back. (after feigning to do so a moment before)

Jarvis, like a wild cheetah, sprinted onto it, leaving the hapless full back for dust.

As the spud juice begins to squirt around in my boxers, things move onto 3rd base. Jarvis shows telepathic brilliance to pull the ball back across the six yard box, with pace.

And there, bristling with mingled menace and glee is Iwelumo. Oh Chris Iwelumo. Wallop! And I’ve messed up my Levis. I honestly can’t remember football ever feeling so perfect.

I would justify the other two selections, but all of a sudden I am in need of a toilet break.

Gotta dash.

So Wolves have tasted their first pre-season defeat after going down 2-1 to the mighty Port Vale last night.

Not all doom and gloom though. I have it on good authority that Wolves dominated much of the play and simply didn’t take enough of the numerous chances they created.

Matty Jarvis was our best player from all the reports I’ve read, causing trademark havoc with his incisive runs and even chipping in with the goal. I really hope Jarvis gets his chance to show what he can do at the highest level because I think he’s the real deal. My only concern might be that he’s too lightweight but it’s just a case of getting the ball to him in the right areas and ensuring there’s a strong player behind him at left-back to compensate (does anybody know a left-back at Wolves whose built like a tank?).

Another positive from the match was that Michael Kightly managed to get on for the last 30 mins or so, giving him some valuable match-time. Great news in my opinion as we’re desperate for him to perform from minute one when the season starts. He was practically unplayable at the start of the last campaign and hopefully we’ll get a repeat performance this year and he can remain injury-free.

Defensively, Zubar showed some classy touches but was also caught out a few times. Hopefully once he’s got some matches under his belt he’ll be a real asset to us, which we need as his strong suit is his pace.

Another bonus was the fact we were able to give some of our youngsters game-time and I’m told that Elliott Bennett impressed particularly. Haven’t seen much of this lad and I don’t expect him to figure much this season, but you never know, especially with our mounting injury problems in attack.

With pre-season matches, it’s always nice to win but you have to look deeper than the scoreline to get a true reflection of how useful the match actually was.

I’ll start with the bad as I always find that’s the best way. Kevin Doyle has undergone surgery on a Hernia and will be out of action for two weeks. Mick McCarthy is confident he’ll be fit for the West Ham game despite the fact he’ll miss a fortnight of pre-season training.

It’s gutting really, especially when you consider what’s already happened to Big Chris. I was hoping Doyle would hit the ground running and immediately start producing his best form. In the aftermath of his time on the sidelines, it’s going to take him a good few weeks after he returns to get up to full speed.

Assuming nobody else comes in, this probably opens the door for Keogh to stake a claim for a starting role up top with SEB. I wouldn’t be gutted to see the grafter start the first game, but I don’t think it’s at all what the majority of fans had in mind.

The good news is that we saw off Walsall 1-0 last night with Andrew Surman getting the goal. I’ve heard nothing but positive feedback about this guy since we signed him and I think he could just sneak his way into the starting XI for the big kick-off.

Was anyone at the Banks’s Stadium last night? I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on the game.

Like everything in life, for there to be a winner there has to be loser and in the race for highly rated youngster James McCarthy, it seems we must tip our hat to Wigan and move on to the next target on our list (if there is one).

To be fair, it did always feel like a losing battle.

From the outset, various news sources seemed to think the Latics were in pole position to land McCarthy but I just wondered whether the Irish contingent might sway him further south and into an old gold jersey.

Oh well. Shows what I know.

You have to ask yourself though, are you really all that bothered? I know it sounds bitter to say this in the aftermatch, but when news was beginning to circulate that we were interested in the player, I wasn’t exactly jumping out of my seat. Sure, the guy seems to have bags of potential but in my opinion, we’ve already got plenty of that.

Plus I’m not sure McCarthy would have even forced his way into our starting eleven, which is perhaps why he opted for a move to Wigan where he is reported to have been given more assurances about first team opportunities.

I strongly believe at this moment in time there are better players we can bring in to help our cause. Time will tell how much we regret letting McCarthy slip through our grasp, but I’d be surprised if it proves to be a defining moment in our season.