Alf Garnett, Kriss Akabusi, Noel Edmunds, Billy Mitchell, Chesney Hawkes…Your boys took one hell of a beating!

To quote a former Wolves legend who knows a bit about football: “All over the pitch, Wolves have been quicker, sharper and hungrier than West Ham.”

Zubar superbly smashed home the second

Andy Gray was underplaying it with his summary, as we completely took the piss out of West Ham from the first minute to the last.

Nobody could have predicted a 3-1 win at Upton Park, and a performance that had more poetry about it than a bunch of daffodils and William Wordsworth.

Poetic that porn baron David Sullivan had to suffer in silence in his utterly preposterous winter jacket.

Poetic that he could probably do with Steve Bruce or Alex McCleish right now after treating them so shabbily at Blues, while his current manager ‘rested’ Parker, Cole and co on Saturday as he lined up a home banker against Wolves – without the Premier League batting an eye-lid.

But enough of them lot. Well done Mick, well done lads, you’ve done us proud. And not for the first time.

Kevin Doyle led from the front again and deserved yet another man-of-the-match award, but could probably split it 11 ways as every single player looked in a different league.

How good were we?! This felt like more than a result and more than 3 points. It was a marker to the whole of the footballing world that we do posses Premier League class and can fit into all of those annoying clichés that are usually reserved for others.

Goals of Premier League quality, a Premier League performance, and an ability to seize on errors as only Premier League sides can.

You can hear it now: ‘Don’t give Wolves space or they’ll punish you.’ Hooray!

Elokobi, in at left back, looked every inch a Premier League left back, while Henry and Jones looked like they’d been bossing the Boleyn Ground all their lives. I needn’t have worried about Mancienne replacing Adlene either.

And what about the others? Craddock and Zubar made Cole about as effective as he was at Molineux all those seasons ago, while Zubar has gone from a French speaking squad player to one of the first names on the team-sheet.

Watching him leather in the second was the most jaw dropping TV moment since Keith Chegwin got his dick out on Channel 5.

I promptly got mine out when I saw the net bulge, and had barely tucked it away before Jarvis, our most improved and most potent player, made it 3.

The goals were simplicity and beauty personified, and strikes to make Wayne Rooney an extra few grand, if it was him who had scored them.

Hahnemann, with shiny bald pate offering more reassurance than Michael Winner, continued to guide and prompt his troops on the few occasions he was troubled.

“Calm down dear, it’s a through-ball that I’m going to smother. Calm down dear, it’s a dangerous cross that I’m going to eat.”

This result, more than any other in 2 years of Premier League experience, was the most complete and most enjoyable, saying more about our immediate future than I could have ever dreamt possible.

The last word goes to Mick, who surmised: “My teams always work hard. If they don’t, then they don’t get a shirt.

“It was significant, of course it was. If any other team can put a run together like we just have, then good luck to them.”

You know it’s squeaky bum time when the daffodils are out and the crocuses are lighting up the ring road.

Spring has sprung, and so has my arsehole as the advent of this hope-laden period signals the real beginning of the football season.

Mick: Was under pressure last season

Most pundits say the league table doesn’t take shape until you’re 6 games in. Not according to my old man, who would give me a slap if he caught me playing with my Score League Ladders before March.

So now the lambs are skipping about, it’s safe to have a look. We’re 16th with 8 games left.

And with that in mind, it will be time for me to ramp up my perennial OCDs with immediate effect in an attempt to keep us in the league.

As our Championship winning campaign began to waver around February, my foibles became more prolific than SEB, as a load of inexplicable rituals came to the fore, two examples of many are below.

· As I shuffled along row Q to get to my seat against Watford, I accidentally kicked an empty balti pie dish with my left foot. Fearing that my bi-rhythms had been affected, I had to ferret on the floor for the piece of crumpled foil, just so I could kick it with the exact amount of force with my right foot, to even out any imbalance.

The impromptu pie dish hunt generated as much noise as I’ve ever heard in the Billy Wright Stand, as half of WV6 screamed ‘SIT DOWN YOU IDIOT.’ We won 3-1 so it was worth it.

· And then there was our 1-0 win at Sheffield Wednesday, when SEB scored after 5 minutes. For the remaining 85 minutes I sat crouched on my living room chair, clenching the radio aerial exactly as I first held it, for the remainder of the game.

One slip, one movement away from my near fetal position and we would have conceded. Fact. Despite my living room being 80 miles from Hillsbrough, and not entering the field of play at any point. Again, we won, so I felt I earned the beers that evening.

But just as I thought I could consign such stupidity to the dustbin this season, back came the behavior when we were hanging on for dear life at Turf Moor the other week.

As I paced the living room listening to WM (digital set, by now), Burnley’s attacks got more and more relentless. They’d have scored for sure if I had sat back down, or changed one single dynamic of my living room set-up.

It was at that point that my old University friend (who was visiting for the first time in years) decided to stand up alongside me in an attempt to share my burden.

The carpet barely found the balls of his feet before I threw him back onto the sofa with such force that his wife asked me what my problem was.

“I’ll tell you what my problem is. Robbie Blake hit the post at the precise moment that Chris stood up. He should know better.”

Don’t think we’ll be seeing them for a while. But as for my inexplicable OCDs…I think I’ll be seeing a lot more of them between now and May 9th. I apologise in advance!

THIS MATCH IS POSTPONED (IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T HEARD)

Upton Park will be a hostile arena come Sunday, when Wolves take to the field. Undoubtedly, this is a massive match, a classic six-pointer and could well prove pivotal come the end of the season.

West Ham will be absolutely desperate to get the win to boost them clear of the bottom three, but if we can leave with a positive result, it will make a bold statement of intent about our own survival ambitions.

Mick knows a win would boost Wolves up the table

But that begs the question, what represents a good result for Wolves?

As Mick McCarthy pointed out, if we’re good enough to beat Spurs at White Hart Lane, we’re definitely capable of taking three points off the Hammers on their home turf. We’re almost certain to go there and play 4-4-2, so I’d like to think that a win isn’t completely out of the question.

Personally though, I wouldn’t be too disappointed to leave East London with a draw. I believe four points from our next two games (the other match being Wigan at home) would represent a good return and judging by the results in our recent poll (see the right sidebar), the majority of Wolves fans agree.

I’m expecting to see our best players on display for this one, which means a team of:

Hahnemann

Stearman
Berra
Craddock
Ward

Foley
Henry
Milijas
Jarvis

Doyle
SEB

I wouldn’t like to see a side much different to this one if I’m being honest. Playing Mancienne in midfield alongside Henry would be overly negative, but it wouldn’t surprise me to see that. Zubar is another option at right-back, but I think McCarthy sees Stearman as a reliable choice for big matches. So in essence, I expect to see almost the exact same team that defeated Spurs and gave Liverpool a run for their money at Anfield.

One thing I wouldn’t expect from this fixture is for it to be as open and expansive as the match the two teams played out at Molineux on the opening day. I think West Ham came into that game thinking they would just play their own game and that would be enough to get the result, which it eventually was. But I don’t believe the Hammers have that luxury this weekend because Wolves are a more organised unit, so it should be much tighter.

Even though I’ve said that a draw would be a good result, I’m going to stick my neck out and forecast an away win. If we can nullify their attacking threat, I believe we’ll create chances at the other end and I’d back us to score at least once.

2-1 to Wolves and Doyle to score first.

If you’re heading ‘down sowf’ to watch the match, have a great time and get behind the lads.

Up The Wolves.

It took one swing of Mark Noble’s right foot to tell us what we knew from the last time.

Namely, that the Premier League is as intensely tough and ruthless as it is downright cruel.

Enjoying time on the ball, plenty of possession and attacking the South Bank end, it felt like this Premier League lark wasn’t anything to be scared of after all.

But alas, like a slap in the face with a wet kipper, West Ham went and scored a beautiful goal through Noble – a 20 yard effort you could barely class as a chance, more of as a goal of the month contender.

Then all of a sudden, our earlier chances through a missed SEB header, a Jarvis skyer and a Keogh air shot were immediately elevated from ‘a touch wasteful’ to profligate.

Matt Jarvis - End product wasn't good enough

The fact that Robert Green was West Ham’s best player tells its own story.

Only George Michael in the back of his Range Rover could possibly stink of leather more than Green, such were the shots that were pounding in on him, start of the second half particularly.

I thought we were really encouraging in stages and the shape of the team was spot on.

So it was a shame Noble went and spoilt things, just when we were threatening to lay down an impressive marker.

There were loads of positives. Stephen Ward, assigned the task of shackling the incredibly quick Dyer, looked assured and impressive, and actually caused me to think that the left back slot need not be so problematic this season.

Henry and Milijas were a big plus, paticularly the Serb who looks like he could be a new cult hero in the making, particularly after we saw him winding up his left peg at the start of the second half.

Jarvis, faced against a pretty competent looking Faubert, also suggested that he could impress this season, so long as his final ball is better than it was today.

But as the second half continued, SEB looked more detached from Keogh, Jarvis or anyone else and I started feeling sorry for him as he ploughed a lone furrow in a formation that so obviously doesn’t suit him. He struggled.

And it was he who missed our most guilt edged chance after an hour or so, when we enjoyed a 10 minute purple patch.

After we’d conceded from a corner that Hennessey surely had to come and catch, we looked a bit ragged and stretched, which was to be expected, particularly when Sylvan hobbled off near the end.

Basically, if you weren’t at the game today and want more about how we played, then I reckon you should just close your eyes and think about how you thought it would be…You’ll get closer to it than reading my ramblings.

Loads of endeavour, loads of heart and a load of passion that fills you with pride. But predictably, there’s that niggling sense of regret that you’re watching a team that is not quite as prepared as you thought it would be.

Tom’s Player Ratings

Here’s Tom’s player-by-player rundown of Saturday’s performance:

Wayne Hennessy

7/10 – Made some good blocks and fielded and kicked well as usual. There’s still that question mark over whether he commands his area as well as he could and it looked like he could have come for the cross for that second goal.

Kevin Foley

8/10 – Mr. Reliable himself delivered the kind of performance you’d expect from him for 38 games in this campaign. Looked good on the ball and cleaned up most things that came his way. Although I’m sure greater tests await him this season, he passed this first one with flying colours.

Michael Mancienne

8/10 – A classy performance from a class act. He read the game perfectly throughout and covered well on a few occasions. He looked much stronger than I remember him being and it was disappointing to see him go off. Hopefully we’ll see a lot more of him this season, as I think we really need him.

Jody Craddock

6/10 – Competed well in the air with Cole and looked like he enjoyed playing alongside Mancienne. That being said, he did get caught out on a few occasions by West Ham’s pace and movement and he was certainly culpable for losing Upson from that corner for the second goal.

Stephen Ward

8/10 – Great performance from Ward who looked composed on the ball and dealt with Faubert’s marauding runs throughout. When he gets forward to support the midfield, he also looks like he can make something happen. His performance was a big plus for Wolves yesterday and he did a lot to silence his critics. That being said, he’ll be given far greater examinations defensively this season.

Greg Halford

8/10 – A really encouraging performance from one of the signings we all questioned. Smashed in one stinging shot that Green did well to palm away. His ability in the air and that huge throw-in will both come in very handy throughout the course of the season. I’ve always liked this guy as I think he leaves everything on the pitch and he isn’t afraid to get stuck-in. I can see him becoming a big favourite if he maintains the standard he set in this match.

Karl Henry

9/10 – Just pips Milijas to the Man-of-the-Match champagne in my opinion. He tracked back throughout and looked as good as anything West Ham had. His partnership with the Serbian international could be very successful if these early signs are anything to go by.

Nenad Milijas

9/10 – This guy really looks the business to me. Composed on the ball, competes well both in the air and on the ground and never seems flustered. Desperately unlucky not to get on the scoresheet with a few decent efforts and his passing was of the highest quality, culminating in that delicious through-ball for SEBs golden chance.

Matt Jarvis

6/10 – I can’t tell you how highly I rate Matty Jarvis but this just wasn’t his day. Time and time again we worked the ball out to him in space and he never once delivered a telling ball into the area. The frustrating thing was that he constantly had the beating of his full-back but always seem to rush his approach. That being said, his incisive running was once again a very useful tool to have and he was a great outlet down the left. His final ball must improve though if he’s too keep his place in the starting XI.

Andy Keogh

8/10 – The best I’ve seen him play for a long, long time. Enjoyed the space and time on the ball more than anyone else and constantly linked up the play. One ball dropped for him in the box and he typically miscued, but other than that, it was a tidy performance that was full of promise. If I was being cynical, maybe I’d say that if Doyle had been fit, we might have been more of a threat in and around the box, but that would be very unfair on the young striker.

SEB

7/10 – A hard day at the office for Wolves’ number 9. Tried his best to hold the ball up and work openings, but you have to say that Upson and Collins did a great job of shackling him. Had his moment with that one on one but couldn’t find a way passed the impenetrable Robert Green in the Hammers’ goal. We all hope his injury isn’t serious as we’re already lacking firepower. Much more to come from our top marksman.

Substitutes

Richard Stearman

7/10 – Came on for Mancienne and gave everything for the cause. I’d question whether he could have dealt better with the ball over the top, which resulted in him giving the corner away for the second goal. He has this problem with diving in when he doesn’t need to and must learn to stay on his feet more. If he can do that, there’s a top-class centre-half in there who could do very well in the Premiership.

Sam Vokes

7/10 – Came on when the game was turning in West Ham’s favour and when SEB limped off, he was left alone up front and given no chance. It would be completely unfair to judge him on this performance and I hope he gets a decent crack of the whip in future games to show what he can do.

Dave Edwards

7/10 – No time to make a real impact but as usual was full of running. Unfortunately, I’m not sure Big Dave has the quality on the ball to be first-choice this season but I hope he can prove me wrong. He’s certainly got a great engine and gets around the pitch, but at the moment, I’m sure he’ll only be used an impact sub when needed.

What are your player ratings? Leave a comment with yours below. I’m very interested to see if there are any significant differences.

So the waiting is nearly over.

It’s time to stop talking (for a few hours at least) and finally (FINALLY!) watch some football. There’s now nothing left to focus on other than our opponents – West Ham United.

SEB needs to find his feet quickly in the Premiership

When the fixtures were first announced I think we were all pretty happy with the Hammers first up at home, as it’s a game we have a decent chance of taking something from. But over the weeks, I’m sure like me you’ve started to think about them in more detail and the quality players they have at their disposal.

Take a look at the spine of their team: Robert Green in goal who was England’s number 1 last Wednesday against the Dutch. Matthew Upson in defence, England’s third choice centre half behind Terry and Ferdinand. Scott Parker running the midfield alongside the pace and attacking flair of Dyer (when he’s fit) and then Carlton Cole up front, a player we know quite well.

On top of all that, they’ve drafted in a very useful little player from Inter Milan called Jimenez, who big things are expected from. They can also call people like Dean Ashton off their bench should things not be going their way, which really underlines why they’ve become an established Premiership club.

Their backroom staff isn’t too shabby either with Zola’s vision and flair married to the undoubted coaching qualities of Steven Clarke, who Chelsea really didn’t want to let go. They took the Hammers from relegation-threatened to European-challengers in just a few months last time out, so who knows what they can achieve with a full campaign ahead of them.

All that aside though, do I think Wolves can get a result? You’re flippin’ right I do.

If Mick can get the balance of the team right on the day and all our players come out fighting, I really believe there’s every chance we can get the win or at the very least, a draw. I’m not suggesting for one moment that we’re a better team than West Ham, but on opening day at Molineux, we’ve got a real chance to get under their skin and make life incredibly difficult for them.

That being said, I think if we want to get a result we’ll have to score at least once, as I can’t see us keeping a clean sheet. But if everything clicks into place, I think we’ve got enough about us going forward to really work their defence and create a few openings. Then of course we’re relying heavily on SEB to do the business when the chances come his way. Do I have faith in him? What do you think?

My prediction: 2-1 Wolves and SEB to score the first goal.

Predictions and first goalscorer below please.

Enjoy the match.

Up The Wolves.