I was recently invited by a work colleague to watch the Arsenal v Celtic game at the Emirates Stadium. To be fair it is a majestic piece of stadium architecture (especially when compared to another ground I recently visited – East Fife’s Bayview Stadium which only has one stand and enjoys the glorious backdrop of the now disused Methil Power Station) with ample leg room and comfy seats. A bit like a high budget Eastlands but with even less atmosphere.

What I remember best from the evening, other than the hours I spent post-match sitting in the shower scrubbing my skin raw and muttering “unclean, unclean” to myself over and over again, was not Eduardo’s comedy dive but the second half appearance of a certain Mr Naylor. As Nayls patrolled Celtic’s left flank adorned in a horrific lime green and black shirt my mind wandered back to his time at the Wolves. His lapses of concentration apart (Bolton away anyone?) I thought he had rarely let us down given his limited ability and was sad (though nowhere near distraught) to see him move on. I admit I was probably in a tiny minority at the time. The question is would he get in the team now?

Clearly question marks remain over Elokobi and Ward. Elokobi demonstrated against both Man City and Hull that he is strong, deceptively quick and defensively sound. However, other than an excellent through ball to Keogh against Hull, George has offered little going forward and appears unwilling to overlap with Jarvis. When he does roam forward his delivery into the box is generally very wayward. Ward offers almost the exact opposite. His interlinking with Jarvis, willingness to overlap and his seemingly inexhaustible energy levels have made him much more of a threat down our left flank than he ever was as a striker. However, his positioning and overall defensive play has let him down at times (Coventry away, West Ham). This comparison is partly demonstrated by the chalkboards showing the passes made by Ward against West Ham and those made by Elokobi against Hull. The graphics show that Ward is willing get forward more and generally get involved in play more in comparison to his Cameroonian counterpart. Elokobi’s blunt attacking play is shown by his poor quality crosses into the box and lack of forays to the byline.

With Ward now out injured for some time this debate has to be put on hold. Elokobi has a chance to cement his place in the side and let’s hope that he can add some attacking guile to his defensive strength. Anyway, with both Ward and Elokobi relatively young and with Scott Malone still in the pipeline the Wolves left back position looks in good shape for the foreseeable future. As for Nayls? All I know for sure is that at his worst he was frailer at the back than Ward and less potent going forward than Elokobi.

Well it’s been quite a week. Although we’ve lost two games and only scored one goal I think most of us are satisfied with our first away win ever in the Premiership (as we all know football started in 1992 – prior to that everyone was just playing mob football where matches would last five days and only be decided once fifteen people had drowned in a canal, a Ford Capri had been torched and the “ball”, the head of a local nobleman, had been manoeuvred by the throng to the disused police phone box on the north side of the village green) and competitive performances against Citeh and West Ham. We can now be confident that our young side isn’t out of place in “The Greatest League in the World” and that we can at least avoid a repeat of the anal violation we received on our last foray in the Premiership. But how has the media at large reported on our first week?

Wolves are back on MOTD

Well, starting with that most holy of organs , Match of the Day, I won’t pretend it wasn’t at least a little exhilarating seeing us on there properly (FA Cup excluded) for the first time. That the voice-over for the West Ham game was provided by the grand old man of football commentary himself added to the magic. Motson may no longer be (and may never have been) entirely compus mentis but there is no denying he currently has the most famous voice in football. However, the highlights themselves have been either annoyingly short or unfairly cut. In particular, the coverage of the second half of the Citeh game was particularly galling as it completely misrepresented the flow of the second half and ignored what I thought might have been a decent penalty shout for a challenge on Doyle. Shearer’s analysis that “Citeh should have won 4-0, 5-0 blah blah blah” was particularly annoying when you just know he hadn’t seen the game and instead had been watching Palace-Newcastle on a monitor somewhere. If Ashley had kept Hughton instead of installing tactical wunder-spaz Shearer as manager Newcastle probably would have stayed up. Other than that, MotD’s analysis of teams other than the Sky Four plus City/Spurs is to toss in a throwaway comment along the lines of “they should be okay” or “I worry for them”. Currently Hansen’s assessment is that we “should be okay” – so we’re probably f**ked.

I haven’t heard much about us on the radio but I tend not to listen to Radio 5 in case any I accidentally catch Mark Pougatch on the airwaves. As for the written press I have the overwhelming opinion, that with the exception of Wolves fan Peter Lansley who writes for the Times, that the London media have always disliked us as a club for some reason. I could go on a little review of what each of the papers said about us after each of the games but broadly speaking the reports all followed the same formula:

West Ham – West Ham money trouble, Upson may be leaving, Zola pissed off, Noble is the second coming blah blah blah. Wolves also played in this match.

Wigan Athletic – Roberto Martinez’s homecoming, Wigan sold all their best players, Dave Whelan broke his leg against nasty Wolves in the 1960 FA Cup Final blah blah blah. Wolves also played in this match.

Man City – Lescott, Lescott, Lescott. Tevez, Adebayor, money, money, money. City gunning for top four. Wolves also played in this match and hit the crossbar.

There have been a couple of decent articles about us. Gabriel Marcotti appears to be one pundit at least willing to acknowledge we have a lot of injuries to key players at the moment and said some semi-kind things about us on Radio 5 and in this piece for the Times Online. While this report in the Telegraph was particularly gushing over Milijas. Hopefully after we spank Swindon Town in the Rumbelows Cup I’ll be able to bring you a report on a Wolves feature in Time magazine or even Sky Sports News though I wouldn’t hold your breath.

I think we can all agree there has been a gaping hole in our lives since Andy Townsend’s Tactics Truck went the same way as Minidiscs, garage music and that dude off of Countdown. The analysis provided by those sinister men in dark shirts on MotD (apparently they used to play for Liverpool, who knew?) and Andy Gray with his fumbling on his f**ked up computer simply doesn’t cut it.

So, writing from the back of my father’s Daihatsu Hi-Jet and with the aid of the Guardian Chalkboards, I thought I could do better (quite why I thought this I am not sure but whatever) starting with tallest right winger in the world, Greg Halford.

For me Halford has been one of our outstanding players in our first two games. A lot of people were down on him when he first arrived given his failing at Sunderland and Reading. However, those who had seen him action for the Blades towards the end of last season will have noted his impact on their impressive, if unsuccessful, run.

Against West Ham he showed glimpses of his aerial prowess, some good touches and decent crosses and, of course, his enormous Andy Legg-style throw ins. However, it was against Wigan Athletic, despite missing a sitter, that he really came to the fore.

As the chalkboard shows not only did he very rarely give the ball away (the red lines are mainly throw ins) he was also playing quite deep offering excellent support to the central midfield and also to Stearman in his battle against Koumas.

Those who saw the game will testify Koumas was very effectively shackled by Stearman and Halford who were no doubt aided by the constant abuse the ex-Albion man received. Furthermore Halford’s presence in the air against the smaller Maynor Figueroa offered Hennessey and others an excellent outlet that we were able to continually exploit in the first half, helping to provide decent ball for Keogh and others to work with. Teams simply don’t expect to come up against 6ft4in wingers.

Looking forward to the Citeh game, providing he’s fit, Halford will have a big role to play if we are to have a hope of getting anything out of it. Again, he will be up against a much smaller man (if Wayne Bridge) plays and hopefully will be able to win some quality headers to provide Keogh (and Doyler) with some ball to work with high up the pitch and of course he’ll have an important role in supporting Stears against Robinho.

A summer off from football with no World Cup or European Championships to help ease the pain allows a man to fester and ponder upon the upcoming season to an unhealthy degree. Initial thoughts were of excitement. Excitement generated by thinking about all the great players like Torres, Arshavin and Shawcross who would come to “entertain” us at our famous home. Excitement at the thought of visiting some of the greatest theatres of football and ticking them off on my quest for “the 92”. And excitement at being on Match of the Day, on Sky Sports “Super Sunday”, having a write up in every Sunday paper and no longer being just a Championship footnote in English football’s never-ending story. But now, as the season draws closer, as pundits make their predictions, as teams prepare to kick a ball in earnest my thoughts turn to our Premiership colleagues, our rivals and, for the first time in a while, our equals. Darker thoughts.

McGinley - Hall of Shame

All of us in our heads will have a score we would love to see settled with at least one of our new equals. This might derive from a past injustice not yet rectified. A previous scarring defeat. An irrational loathing of another club we perceive to be more successful but less deserving than our own. Or perhaps it’s just to be able to toss that annoying work colleague a knowing smile on a Monday morning. Finally, our chance has come round again and for me a victory against the following would slake a thirst like only an ice-cold Lucozade on the morning after a night on the razz could do:

Aston Villa – My best friend is a Villa fan. For as long as we have been friends we have not beaten them in a competitive match. To be fair he hasn’t lorded it over me as much as he could have over the years but the odd mention of all the hand me downs Villa have given us over the years (Cowans, Birch, Mountfield, Daley, Froggatt, Oakes, Edwards to name just a few) or when they handed our asses to us on their last visit is enough to send me over the edge. I’d give my left bollock to do the double over them and finish as the top team in the Midlands (for the record Stoke City don’t count).

Spurs – For one moment let me use t’internet like 99% of the population do and peddle some hate filled diatribes against people or organisations who are not there to defend themselves. In this case hateful, hateful Spurs. I can’t really tell you why I hate them but I really do. Maybe it’s that they’ve defeated us in key matches over the years like the Wafer Cup Final or the FA Cup Semi (although I’m too young to remember them). Maybe its because they have hold of my beloved Robbie Keane. Maybe it’s because their fans, on the whole, are such a bunch of smug, patronising gits. Maybe its because they buy up lots of England’s best young players and ruin them. Maybe its because they’ve got the loathsome “best friend of the media” Harry Redknapp as their manager. Maybe its some sort of heady mix of all of this. Whatever the reason cue cheesy Kevin Keegan line “I would love it if we beat them”.

Bolton Wanderers – John McGinlay. I can’t say more otherwise I might start crying.

Like a lot of people who visit this blog I enjoy reading about football. In fact I love reading about football and I’d quite happily stare at a toilet wall smeared with a strategically placed turd if I thought it would offer me some insight into why Mark McGhee decided to play Robbie Slater, Steve Claridge and Paul Simpson instead of Robbie Keane and Steve Bull in that semi-final or why Allan Simonsen ever thought joining Charlton Athletic was a good idea. Imagine my delight then when one day during my regular stop at the newsagents on my way home from work I spotted out of the corner of my eye a new addition to the ranks of the football monthlies. I put down my copy of Fiesta and instead proceeded to purchase “Football Punk”. In my best impression of a contributor to the Times Literary Supplement here’s what I thought:

Title and Cover

Football Punk - Not my Cup of Tea

Well obviously “Football Punk” is a shit name for any magazine, including one about football. It sounds like two lazy publishing executives got together and thought that if they added the word “punk” to something it would immediately make it seem cool, urban, edgy etc. The true story is even lazier as the title was borrowed from publishing stablemate “Golf Punk” magazine. Fact is, golf is boring and publications about it need pointless affectations to make them seem exciting to people under 40. Football isn’t boring and trying to make something seem alternative by adding the word “punk” to it simply doesn’t work. Also, quite why there is a safety pin through the “u” of the title is beyond me. I suppose the suggestion is that “punks” like to put safety pins through stuff. To me it just brings up images of babies and nappies and while the magazine may appeal to some toddlers I fear the terrifying mugshot of Rio Ferdinand on the cover of issue (#2) might haunt them into their teens.

Contents

Well the lead feature is an interview with Rio “should’ve pissed in the bottle” Ferdinand entitled “Playing for Man Utd is like being in the Beatles”. Quite how Rio knows what it was like to be in the Beatles is not discussed nor is the fact that the Beatles were near universally loved and Man Utd near universally hated. The interview itself is insanely bland to the point where you wonder if it’s time they released Mark David Chapman to have a crack at these latter day Beatles. Other interviews include Djibril Cisse and Ashley Young which are so formulaic that you could play them out in your head. There are also various bits and bobs about “fashion” and male grooming which are juxtaposed with a piece about football’s hardest players (in which there was no mention of Keith Downing I might add). Its not hard to see the market they are aiming for.

Coverage of the Wolves is limited to a mention of “Michael Keightly” and the fact that he used to play in non-league football (apparently the media can’t bring him up without mentioning this).

USP

Football Punk’s USP is the addition of scantily clad women including a feature named “Fox in the Box”. Unfortunately this isn’t a pictorial of Franny Jeffers pouting at us in his boxers but of Abi Clancy doing the same in a bikini. Quite how someone could think of knocking one out to a picture of a woman who has done the sideways robot with Peter Crouch escapes me but each to their own.

Quality of the Paper

To be fair the magazine has a nice weight to it and is almost perfect for rolling up in your hand. I’d feel comfortable that Jason Bourne could disarm a Taliban fighter with it if necessary.

Overall

If I’m honest Football Punk isn’t as terrible as I’ve made out. Sure the features are incredibly generic and the presentation childlike but they are clearly aiming the magazine at people who like footballers and in particular the idea of a footballer’s lifestyle rather than people who actually like football itself. To be fair his is hardly surprising given that Phil Babb is the magazine’s Editor-at-large (yes that Phil Babb). In summary, it’s like FourFourTwo crossed with Nuts magazine but without the interesting bits about football and without women with their norks actually out. Personally I wouldn’t recommend it but if you do decide to pick up issue #3 I hear it comes with a free “merking” from Wayne Rooney.