Conga time

We’ve once again been invited into the weird and wonderful world of Matt Warrilow. Here he talks about his experiences taking in yesterday’s match against Fulham, in Fulham.

As you won’t know…or in fact care, I am a Wolves fan based down in The Big Smoke.

The land of cockles and muscles, apples and pears and Danny f**king Dyer has treated me well since I moved south.

The only down side of this is due to added expenses, as well as a habit for spending all my hard-earned money on beer and chicken, I have to contend with watching our games in my bed, armed to the teeth with ginger beer, shouting rubbish insults at my laptop.

However, on Sunday, I got the chance to venture to lands new and far.

Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I’m talking about a little place, called Fulham (Thanks Dumb and Dumber for that line).

Yes, I decided to go to a pub, in Fulham, where it is likely I would the only Wolves fan in the place. (I’d like to note that I also hadn’t…HADN’T been drinking when I made this decision)

I took my good friend Jason ‘I just support football’ Jones, along for the trip. After all, if I got lost in the wilderness of Fulham and had to stay alive, I’m definitely not going to eat my own arm!

Armed with our Tesco-reduced sandwiches, we entered the pub. Walking past the hat and tails bankers, sitting in the leather chairs, smoking their pipes and reading their copies of the Financial Times, we found a spot at the back.

What proceeded to occur over the next two hours shook their society as they knew it.

Their world was crumbling, and all because of 11 guys, half of them Irish, wearing gold, who were obviously pumped up, but not in the way Danny Murphy likes to talk about.

They kept on looking at their pocket watches, both hands spinning backwards at a furious speed. The fruit in their pools of Pimms quickly dissolving, turning their fair ponds into a mould infested stink bath.

The most professional and positive performance I had seen from us in so long time was met by a collection of sighs, which turned into shouts and screams, and was followed by men choking on oysters and gold infused champagne.

And there I was, sat there, in my shorts and my trainers which are battered having been in both an ocean in Spain and the canal in London, smiling like I’d just stolen their Waitrose priority card.

The looks on their faces behind their monocles said so much. They were seeing a team, who they thought they should at least pick up a draw from pass them off the park, create countless more chances and defend against them like a wall made of George Elokobi’s chest.

Fulham couldn’t be more miserable. I couldn’t be happier.

And for some reason, whenever I am really, really happy…I start singing…Do The Conga.

It’s an awful habit, one that I’ve tried to seek help for, but at that moment in time, I would gladly have done the Conga in a leper colony.

So we left the pub, with a skip in my step, and a conga in my head back to normal civilisation.

‘Back to Central London my good man’ I instructed the taxi driver.

He looked at the smile on my face, then down at my trainers, and then back at me.

‘F*ck you and your crap f*cking trainers, you Wolves supporting bastard’

And that, ladies and gentleman, was Fulham.

Follow Matt on Twitter (@mwarrilow) and don’t forget to check out his blog Bloody Ear Worms.

Comments

  1. Thomas says:

    Ta for the post Matt. Lovely stuff.

    Reminds me of the time I was sitting in a bar in Turkey watching Wolves beat Leeds 1-0.

    When I got there the room was empty to so I sat at the front right by the television.

    I must have got pretty immersed in the match, because when I jumped out my seat to cheer Bothroyd’s last minute winner, I hadn’t realised the place was crawling with Leeds fans all gathered right behind me.

    Suffice to say I exited briskly at the full-time whistle.

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    • Stourbridge Wolf says:

      Watching Man City 0:1 Wolves in Blackpool – Bully break away goal after being hammered all game.

      Full of Mancs – only the fact I was with a woman that saved me from a beating given my reaction to the goal!

      (there’s nothing like a Bully goal!)

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  2. These are the days.... says:

    Georgey Elokobi… Can’t sing it without the big man in it anymore. So apt.

    Do Fulham still hav a neutrals supporter area in their ground for Rugger and Polo types??

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  3. Very funny mate! You painted a picture brilliantly, one I would have loved to have seen, were I not at molineux. If only the club shop did a line in monicles, I’d post you one down! Or a little pocket watch. You also made central London sound positivity homely, which takes a bit of doing!

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  4. bazza (selly oak) says:

    Great stuff Matt! As a new London wolf I can relate to this!

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  5. Thanks all for the ace comments, really appreciate it!

    In the original one, I rambled a fair bit, so Tom, quite wisely, edited it down. I’ve decided to post the full length, redux version on my blog so feel free to have a look!

    Thanks again for letting me write for you, and keep up the good work lads.

    http://bloodyearworms.tumblr.com/post/9265665498/black-lace-do-the-conga-as-you-may-or-may-not

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  6. sleachy says:

    Great blog mate, very funny.

    When Derby beat the a****n in the play off final I was in a student pub in Manchester, and took all my old Wolves shirts and gave them to everyone I was with in the pub, there were about 10 of us, and those who didn’t have shirts had scarves or hats, even though I was the only actual Wolves fan. We all got very drunk and cheered Derby on to a fantastic victory.

    A year or so later I got chatting to an a****n fan at a party, and it turns out him and his mate came in to the pub to watch the match, but saw a load of rowdy Wolves fans and decided to go and watch it in another pub.

    Sometimes the smallest victories are the sweetest.

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  7. LondonWolfie says:

    I must be getting old – found this tedious in the extreme.

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  8. Bagsy says:

    Nice one Matt, from a fellow Wolf exiled in The South (a Bridgnorth lad now in West Sussex). Reminds me of the curious looks I got in the pub when we played The Baggies in May and I fell of my bar stool in excitement when Ward nearly scored. Don’t think anyone in the pub (I was surrounded by shirts of those big Sussex clubs Arsenal, Spurs, Chelsea, Liverpool and Man Utd) had ever seen a Wolves fan before.

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  9. Clive from Houston says:

    Changing the subject.
    Last season and the season before, our beloved manager took nearly 6 months to realize he had his tactics wrong, and we languished at the bottom of the league all seasons long.
    This season, two really hard working forwards playing alongside one another ( Are you watching, Berbatov?) has produced a 100% record.
    As we all know, if you start badly in this league, you usually end up struggling all season.
    So far so good, and kudos to MM for results thus far.
    I know it’s still really early doors, but success breeds confidence and hope amongst the fans, which is felt by the players on the pitch.
    So, have we actually turned a corner this summer, and has the penny finally dropped in MM’s brain?
    If it has, and we have a mind bogglingly good season, I will be more than happy to eat copious portions of humble pie.
    On another note, there is a rumor ( American spelling) out there that we are interested in Jimmy Bullard.
    What is that all about?
    Isn’t he an over the hill has been, from the Joey Barton school of thuggery??
    Comments?

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    • sleachy says:

      He’s not a thug in the same mold, more of a billy big balls who tends to piss off his team mates. He’s one of those ‘funny guys’ that you’d laugh at for about 5 minutes, then want to punch.
      There’s more chance of you having a 3some with MM and SW than there is of McCarthy letting him anywhere near our dressing room.
      Add to that the fact that he’s generally injured for about 6 months at a time and you’ve got the typical, lazy journalism that fills the web around this time of year.

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      • sleachy says:

        PS, looking forward to the humble pie posts later in the season…

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        • Stourbridge Wolf says:

          Can I just point out at this point that the aforementioned SW in this threesome relates to Stephen Ward and not Stourbridge Wolf! I did not have sexual relations with this grumpy old man!

          Its all over the net that Bullard got sacked for bringing a Slovenian hooker back to the team hotel during pre-season and turned up for training p*ssed as a newt a number of times too. I don’t want him at our club (but would fancy a night out with the boy!)

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        • Clive from Houston says:

          When we are confirmed as qualified for next season’s Champions League, then I will be happy to oblige!!

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