Football Punk: Too Many Gimmicks, Not Enough Wolves

Like a lot of people who visit this blog I enjoy reading about football. In fact I love reading about football and I’d quite happily stare at a toilet wall smeared with a strategically placed turd if I thought it would offer me some insight into why Mark McGhee decided to play Robbie Slater, Steve Claridge and Paul Simpson instead of Robbie Keane and Steve Bull in that semi-final or why Allan Simonsen ever thought joining Charlton Athletic was a good idea. Imagine my delight then when one day during my regular stop at the newsagents on my way home from work I spotted out of the corner of my eye a new addition to the ranks of the football monthlies. I put down my copy of Fiesta and instead proceeded to purchase “Football Punk”. In my best impression of a contributor to the Times Literary Supplement here’s what I thought:

Title and Cover

Football Punk - Not my Cup of Tea

Well obviously “Football Punk” is a shit name for any magazine, including one about football. It sounds like two lazy publishing executives got together and thought that if they added the word “punk” to something it would immediately make it seem cool, urban, edgy etc. The true story is even lazier as the title was borrowed from publishing stablemate “Golf Punk” magazine. Fact is, golf is boring and publications about it need pointless affectations to make them seem exciting to people under 40. Football isn’t boring and trying to make something seem alternative by adding the word “punk” to it simply doesn’t work. Also, quite why there is a safety pin through the “u” of the title is beyond me. I suppose the suggestion is that “punks” like to put safety pins through stuff. To me it just brings up images of babies and nappies and while the magazine may appeal to some toddlers I fear the terrifying mugshot of Rio Ferdinand on the cover of issue (#2) might haunt them into their teens.

Contents

Well the lead feature is an interview with Rio “should’ve pissed in the bottle” Ferdinand entitled “Playing for Man Utd is like being in the Beatles”. Quite how Rio knows what it was like to be in the Beatles is not discussed nor is the fact that the Beatles were near universally loved and Man Utd near universally hated. The interview itself is insanely bland to the point where you wonder if it’s time they released Mark David Chapman to have a crack at these latter day Beatles. Other interviews include Djibril Cisse and Ashley Young which are so formulaic that you could play them out in your head. There are also various bits and bobs about “fashion” and male grooming which are juxtaposed with a piece about football’s hardest players (in which there was no mention of Keith Downing I might add). Its not hard to see the market they are aiming for.

Coverage of the Wolves is limited to a mention of “Michael Keightly” and the fact that he used to play in non-league football (apparently the media can’t bring him up without mentioning this).

USP

Football Punk’s USP is the addition of scantily clad women including a feature named “Fox in the Box”. Unfortunately this isn’t a pictorial of Franny Jeffers pouting at us in his boxers but of Abi Clancy doing the same in a bikini. Quite how someone could think of knocking one out to a picture of a woman who has done the sideways robot with Peter Crouch escapes me but each to their own.

Quality of the Paper

To be fair the magazine has a nice weight to it and is almost perfect for rolling up in your hand. I’d feel comfortable that Jason Bourne could disarm a Taliban fighter with it if necessary.

Overall

If I’m honest Football Punk isn’t as terrible as I’ve made out. Sure the features are incredibly generic and the presentation childlike but they are clearly aiming the magazine at people who like footballers and in particular the idea of a footballer’s lifestyle rather than people who actually like football itself. To be fair his is hardly surprising given that Phil Babb is the magazine’s Editor-at-large (yes that Phil Babb). In summary, it’s like FourFourTwo crossed with Nuts magazine but without the interesting bits about football and without women with their norks actually out. Personally I wouldn’t recommend it but if you do decide to pick up issue #3 I hear it comes with a free “merking” from Wayne Rooney.