We All Dream of a Team of Gary Breens

Being as I am a miserable so and so, I thought I’d stay true to form by picking my worst ever Wolves XI for a bit of a laugh.

One way of looking at this exercise is that I am a) cleansing my mind and general outlook and b) Displaying that however we do this season, it could be a whole lot worse.

So consider this as a colonic irrigation for my stodgy, poopy, smelly pessimism. (this is from the period 1988 – 2009)

Please bear in mind that my choices are purely on the games I have seen these players play in. IE, I will not opt for Jesus Sanjuan, Jens Dowe, etc, purely as I never saw them, or couldn’t remember seeing them.

weetabixSo in goal, number one, Tony Lange. Ex-WBA which doesn’t help and utter tripe. I recall a ‘Weetabix dive’ at home to Brighton when we lost 4-2 in 89/90. Shipped goals like a bear ships shit in the woods.

rankineNumber 2: Mark Rankine. ‘Shabba’ came as a midfielder from some racked off team, and immediately revealed he had an eye for goal. I believe his one and only goal was a diving header at home to Cambridge (in his first game?) but that was a false dawn and a half. His flat feet and Big Mamma backside made him look like a penguin with a darts board up his arse. Turner moved him to right back, and he stank there too. Plus, I can’t put him centre mid as I have an embarrassment of riches for that position.

oleg_luzhnyNumber 3: Oleg Luzhny. Oh dear. I was mildly excited about us signing the ex-Ukraine captain, but in a meagre 16 appearances for us, I can’t honestly remember a decent performance. Perhaps the expectation was on his shoulders as he was the only Premier League transfer that anyone had heard of. Plus, I always consoled myself with the thought that Arsene Wenger knew his eggs when it came to players. Either Luzhny started smoking crack when he joined us, or he was just gut-wrenchingly shit.

cave-MANNumber 4: Paul Stancliffe. The former Sheffield United centre back forged the slowest defensive partnership in football history with the late, not very great, Rob Hindmarch (RIP). They were so slow, so hairy and so primitive I actually once thought I witnessed evolution going back two stages in one game. He also scored the most hilarious own goal of all time, when he larruped an innocuous, slow pass / cross into his own net from 6 yards, despite no opposition player being in our half (seriously). We lost 5-0 v Barnsley in that game. Great time

BJORKLUND_J_2003_GH_RNumber 5: Joachim Bjorkland. He may have been decent once, but he wasn’t when he played for us. In fact, did he ever play for us? It always incensed me how he signed on a 1 year deal as a 33 year old, yet Jez Moxey would not sign Paul Butler on a 2 year deal as a 32 year old, as he was too old? Confused.com

FergusonNumber 6: Darren Ferguson. Remember the chants: “Who needs Cantona when we’ve got Ferguson”? I forget how funny us fans can be!!! No offence Darren, but I did need Cantona quite badly, along with every other joker who sang that song. At the time, Graham Turner needed Cantona, Sir Jack’s gold Barclaycard and a genie in a bottle. Didn’t help Darren’s cause that we bought Chris Marsden at the same time for a fraction of the cost, who was a million times better.

olofinjanaNumber 7: Seyi Olofinjana. Sorry folks, you might not agree with this, but I just thought he was complete rot. The championship’s greatest midfielder, our very own Patrick Vieira. Maybe, once every 15 games. In between, you had an imposter who flinched and ducked like Mary Whitehouse at an Amsterdam ping pong show. I’m sure there are far worse centre midfielders to choose from, but I can’t think of them at the moment.

forrest_gump_1Number 8: Tim Steele. Our very own Forrest Gump. He ran in straight lines only, and had to be the most uncouth, unskilled winger since, well, there’s the problem. I had been reared exclusively on Robbie Dennison, so I immediately resented him. Another good reason is that I was promised his autograph as a little nipper, only for him to completely custard pie me and my Dad. You see Tim, revenge is a dish best served cold. Ha!

taylorNumber 9: Robert Taylor. Colin Lee went and bought this blob from rehab, I said NO, NO, NO! Not sure if he was in rehab or not, but he sure played like he did. Colin Lee’s entire tenure is now defined by this gargantuan mistake, such is the magnitude of it. I really loved what Colin Lee was trying to build at Molineux. Astute signings, along with some proven players such as Alan Nielsen and Keith Curle made me believe again, only for him to have a complete brainwave and buy this lump with the last remaining pennies in the bank. Colin, you’re fired.

frankowskiNumber 10: Tomasz Frankowski. Final piece in the jigsaw my rectum.

elliottNumber 11: Stephen Elliott. ‘Sleeves’ is playing right midfield in this formation, bearing in mind that Mick said he was the best player in that position in the whole league when Kightly was injured. Maybe this inclusion is more a symbolic one..Symbolic of all the players we’ve invested time and money in due to genuine track record, only for said player to spunk it back in our faces. His point blank miss at QPR made me cry. (Cue new terrace name of Missy Elliott). He then came back and made me cry for a second time when he scored twice for Preston against us. Nice one.

* Thomas: Where I’ve added comical images rather than pictures of the players themselves, it’s because I couldn’t find a picture of them on the whole of the internet. A true mark of shitness.

Comments

  1. Thomas says:

    Brilliant post Ben, just brilliant.

    Couldn’t agree with you more about when we signed Bjorkland and got rid of Butler. Seemed completely ridiculous.

    I’m not sure I agree with the inclusion of Elliott or Olofinjana. I can think of two far better candidates for those positions.

    Surely Steve Corica was in with a shout for the centre of the park?!

    I’d have to go with Silas for the right of midfield. I pinned my hopes on that man for our first Premiership campaign and the sight of him mincing around and contributing precisely zero to the entire season was so pathetic it was actually funny.

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  2. Edward Milson says:

    “His flat feet and Big Mamma backside made him look like a penguin with a darts board up his arse” – Genius!!!

    My team would be in a 3-5-2 formation (only way i could get the wealth of shite we’ve had in midfield into my team!!):
    Graham Stack
    Oleg Luzhny
    Neil Collins
    Darren Peacock
    Mark Rankine
    Darren Anderton
    Steve Corica
    Robbie Slater
    Paul Stewart
    Steve Claridge
    Robert Taylor

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  3. Thomas says:

    Steve Claridge, excellent shout Ed. Scruffy bastard.

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  4. Loving your work Ben. The mere mention of Joachim Bjorklund and Paul Stancliffe actually made me snort with laughter which isn’t good as I’m at work. I think a bit harsh on Tim Steele (I remember him scoring a cracker aganist Hull in the Rumbelows Cup) and Darren Ferguson. Personally I would also have to add Steve Claridge to your team. The sad truth is we could compile a dozens of teams of players who were absolute garbage. Personally a special place in the seventh circle of hell for abject footballers will always be reserved for Michael Gilkes. Also Sami “the Arabic George Weah” a’-Jaber has to be worth a mention in dispatches. And Robert Niestroj, and…….

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  5. Edward Milson says:

    Yeah thought i’d go for out and out pace up front!!

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  6. Kev Robinson says:

    A few suggestions for our hall of shame –

    Stefan Postma – Seemed alright at first, then got progressively worse and more terrified every time he played
    Denes Rosa – Easily forgotten as another waste of money in Hoddle’s last winter
    Henri Camara – Still haven’t forgiven this arrogant sack of shite for missing three chances at Old Trafford. Never will
    Carl Cort – Alright, he scored a few, but this conversation heard in the Billy Wright stand sums him up for me

    “How did he miss THAT?!”
    “He missed it because he’s shite.”

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  7. Thomas says:

    The thing I always remember about Michael Gilkes was that he was signed with only ‘minutes to go’ so he could play in a crunch game for us.

    I said to my dad, “I bet there will be picture of him in the paper tomorrow pointing to a giant clock”. Low and behold, there he was the next day, splashed across the back of the Express & Star, grinning next to a Run DMC like timepiece.

    How depressingly predictable.

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  8. Sam Mk.II says:

    i wonder what players the express and star would put in their best and worst team.

    some how i reckon they still think freddie will come good over there!

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  9. EmeraldPete says:

    Tony Daily…………..I hate Aston Villa

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  10. Thomas says:

    I’d have to go 4-3-3 with my team.

    GK – Dave Beasent (Only played 4 games for Wolves, but they were 4 of the first games I ever went to. So shit he even made me believe I could be a goalkeeper)

    Back 4 of:

    Gilkes
    Darren Peacock (I’ll never forgive him for that performance at Albion)
    Simon Coleman (Torn to ribbons at Oxford in a 3-0 defeat. Awful.)
    Luzhny

    Midfield 3 of:

    Steve ‘Skippy’ Corica
    Silas
    Scott Taylor (Remember him? Ran consistently for 90 minutes every game, yet still somehow managed to never contribute a thing)

    3 pronged ‘attack of:

    Robert ‘The Blob’ Taylor
    Steve ‘The Tramp’ Claridge
    Tomas ‘The Jigsaw’ Frankowski

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  11. Edward Milson says:

    Didn’t Scott Taylor score a couple of absolute screamers for us. Sure there was one in a play off game that went into the top corner from about 30/40 yards out infront of the North Bank, can’t remember the year now!!

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  12. andrewwfc says:

    Liking the post, some of these names bring back a few memories! Two more to add to the list:

    How about Isaac Okoronkwo? I’m sure I heard somewhere Alan Shearer described him as “technically, one of the worst defenders” he’d seen when commontating at the African Cup of Nations. According to wikipedia (some research went into this!) he’s currently playing for FC Moscow. Quality.

    Secondly, Peter Shirtliff. Can’t remember a great deal about him, but what I can recall was pretty woeful.

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  13. Edward Milson – I think the goal you were thinking of was the Kevin Cooper one in the second leg of the Norwich play off.

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  14. Edward Milson says:

    Sam – Your right mate, course it was Cooper!!

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  15. Matt says:

    Ben – great post, it bought back some moments which were v painful at the time but I havent stopped laughing as I remember how bad they actually were esp Stancliffe, that own goal!!! He’s a no brainer for your XI!

    Would only challenge you on three acounts.

    Thought Shabba was a trier and a likeable chap!
    Less able replacements could include D Ward, Eric Young (comical), David Weater, Marc Edworthy, Steve Sedgley

    Couldn’t bring myself to say Rob Hindmarch (RIP) cus of that goal!!!

    Could swap Timmy Steele with Silas, Mark Burke (one of the most talented players we have had over 20 years pity he was a big girl’s blouse and didnt know how to use it), vinny samways, robbie slater, Rohan Ricketts.

    Sleeves was wrong player at the wrong time for me, a bit like Claridge. Could replace him with Carlton Cole, Paul McLoughlin, Craig Davies, Havard Flo, Adam Proudlock, Leon Clarke,

    Havent we had some tripe!

    Whats next a most hated Wolves Xi?

    Tara for now
    Matt

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  16. Dazza In Brisbane says:

    Campbell Chapman anyone? How can you have an all time worst 11 without a mere mention of this clarnet? Don’t even start me on Roger Eli !!

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  17. EmeraldPete says:

    by the way, what are branch and rankine doing on the cult heros vote????? Not good / entertaing / comedy enough to be on the same pole as my all time favourite Mo Camara.

    God bless you Mo, you made me smile, I would have given almost anything to see him score a goal for us…….can you imagine what he would of done???

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  18. Wolf on the Hill says:

    Tony Lange- easily the worst keeper in our history

    Darren Simpkin-so bad we sold him to Shrewsbury they claimed we’d ripped them
    off 35K we had
    Stancliffe – i agree paired with the some one who makes Neil Collins look like Billy
    Wright
    Eric Young- utter garbage might of been better if he left his blindfold off i know it
    was ment to be a headband
    One leg Luzhny- he was awfull with that one aswell
    Paul Jones- they might of well signed me i’m a Wolves fan with little ability we got
    him from Wallsall enough said
    Simon BLOODY Osbourne – 1 Mil we paid for that waste of space

    Nigel Quashie- if he’s a pro there’s still hope for me

    Steve Claridge- 9 games no shots Bully & Keano missed FA cup Semi cause of him

    Thomasz Frankowski- we let Sammy Clingan go to pay his wages ? ? ?

    Kevin Kyle- one wonder goal at Palace but he was still shite

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