What do Mick McCarthy and my two-year-old boy Arthur have in common?
Both were balling and screaming at Elland Road for long periods, fidgeting in their seats and yelling at the bloke next to them for mercy.
Never again Daddy, you pillock
I got an earful from my little lad for packing him into the Family Stand with my Leeds supporting brother-in-law and his boy. This was a belated birthday present for me though, so I told him to button it and enjoy the experience.
Arthur knew best all along, because this was the most terrifying sight for him – and me – since I stuck on Eastenders by accident and exposed us both to Heather giving birth.
For all the positives I purred over at the Bescot the other week, there were as many, if not more negatives against a really impressive looking Leeds side.
It’s a good job everyone keeps telling me that pre-season doesn’t matter, otherwise I’d be a bit worried.
Most worrying of all was my overly diplomatic brother-in-law concluding that 6-1 would have been a fairer score, in spite of all of our ‘great players’ on show!
In a brief match report that is bound to be a bit over the top, I’m still adamant that Max Gradel produced the most potent, lethal attacking display that I can ever remember from an opposing player. His wonder-strike will also go down as the best goal to be scored past us all season.
Jelle Van Damme, the player assigned the unenviable task of marking him, put in the worst full debut performance that I have ever witnessed.
He was so slow, ponderous and clueless, that I actually saw Gradel grinning like Kris Akabusi early in the second half before being fed the ball. Seriously.
Think of a cross between Gary Bellamy and Kevin Muscat and you’re getting close…Van Damme’s assault of Richard Naylor, right in front of us, was also shameful and completely out of order.
Think of Notts Forest (5-1 win) at home when the hapless East Midlanders were so devoid of ideas against Kightly, that they eventually kicked him as hard as they could, as often as they could.
That’s what we resorted to against Gradel, and it was a little bit embarrassing to be honest.
Elsewhere on the pitch, Berra looked more leaden footed than usual, and Zubar looks like he’s spent too long training with Lee Bloody Naylor judging by his distribution and quite ridiculous decision making.
Then in midfield, Karl Henry misplaced more passes in one game than I can remember him doing in the entire 2009/10 campaign put together, while Dave Jones over-hit or messed up every single set-play at his feet. One such cock-up prompted a McCarthy mental breakdown, at roughly the same time Arthur was crying for salvation.
Guedioura looked laboured and jaded on the right of midfield, owing to his World Cup commitments, and I haven’t even got to the biggest annoyance of the entire afternoon.
Neill Collins, the cumbersome oaf who we got rid of for so many obvious reasons, came head to head with his old employers, and I couldn’t wait to see him ridiculed and run ragged.
Not only did it not happen, but the maligned Scot won every single battle against a sluggish SEB, who was so outmuscled that Collins assumed a swagger that I never saw in all his time at Molineux. His kit too, was immaculate, such was his trouble free afternoon. This was the most infuriating sight of the entire day by far, even more so than Arthur tipping my Leeds United bottle of water over my crotch.
Sylvan did at least leave a mark on the Leeds fans all around me, one of which said: ‘We’re not safe yet with their Ebanks-Blake on the pitch.’
The other, in broad Yorkshire brogue, replied: ‘Are you smoking crack? He’s not even playing is he? Oh, that’s him?!’
Throw in a referee who gave us absolutely EVERYTHING (and I mean everything, including the waving away of the most blatant handball, penalty and red card) and you realise how bad it was.
Onto the positives…Steven Fletcher looked really exciting along with Jarvis, who was the only player to make the home fans gasp, in admiration instead of disbelief for once.
The other positive was that there is still Stephen Hunt and Steven Mouyokolo to come back. Judging by this performance, their roles are going to be massive this season.
Oh, and Dave Edwards looked lively when he came on too.
With Hunt and Kightly still unfit, I can’t see anything other than a 4-5-1 against Stoke City, Kevin Doyle up front with Fletcher on the right, and Stephen Ward at left back, if not Elokobi. Hahnemann will surely come in for Hennessey too.
Oh, and Arthur being nowhere near a football ground anytime soon…until we drag him to the Bilbao game on Saturday, poor sod!
Sounds awful, but it’s only a friendly eh?
I think it will be Van Damme who starts against Stoke (unless we sign Naylor! I’m joking), from what I heard he was very impressive in the previous two games. It’s better to get a bad game against a pacey winger out of the way and maybe he will learn from that.
I would also expect a 4-4-2 with Kevin Foley as the right midfielder until Kightly is fit. It would be great to see him in the friendly next week, is he any closer to playing?
I’m not going to worry about this game for now, I’m just glad no-one got injured.
As worrying as this sounds Ben, I’m inclined to put it down to a bad day at the office, seeing as nearly everyone seemed to have a crap game. Let’s also credit Leeds who were well on song by the sounds of it.
Now, we know from last season that Wolves can at the very least compete with far better sides than Leeds United (no disrespect intended), so poor performances from the likes of Henry, Jones, Zubar, etc, don’t concern me too greatly, as you know the minimum you’ll get from those players come the start of the season.
It is of course devastating to hear van Damme endured such a torrid time, given that we’ve all but pinned our hopes on him tightening up that left flank and freeing Matt Jarvis to bomb forward with reckless abandon. Hopefully, it was just an off-day for him too, but obviously Ben’s early impressions don’t paint that picture.
Let’s look for a few positives. Fletcher managed to buck the trend and put in a good performance by the sounds of it, which is great to hear, particularly with Doyle to come back into the side (I believe he was only a late sub in this match). Adding a forward of genuine quality was an absolute necessity, so hopefully Mick has achieved that primary objective.
Jarvis too looked sharp, which is important given that he remains our only genuine option as a wide-man. If he can improve on last season’s showing, I think he’ll really catch the eye this year.
Mouyokolo didn’t play at Elland Road but was impressive by all accounts at Cheltenham. Perhaps if Berra is struggling, Mick might give his new signing the chance to show what he can do against Bilbao and force his way into the side for the Stoke game?
Plenty to think about.
Was talking to an ex-pro last week who now is Asst Manager at a non-league side. He was saying that you shouldn’t understimate how much further along lower league teams are in their preparation as their season starts earlier. His non-league side have been back for nearly 2 months! Leeds have an extra weeks preparaion so it may just be that they’re sharper. Max Gradel is a good player but Ben’s report makes him sound like Ronaldo!
He was literally unplayable Kwolf. A 10/10 performance. I can only go on what I saw. Admittedly, he did look better when Van Damme kept falling on his arse.
I agree too KWolf, we’re also probably putting in very hard yards in training, which makes it harder to get up for the game and may make us appear “leaden footed”, however given how well we did in the 2nd half of last season, I’m willing to trust those in charge.
Lots to think about. Seriously, I’m not too worried like you say, because too many players just had stinkers and we know they’re capable. It was probably as bad as I’ve seen Jones, Henry and Zubar play in a long time, let alone the others.
With this in mind, and another 24 hrs to reflect, I’ll put it down to a bad day at the office like you said Thomas.
But seriously, 6 or 7-1 would have been a far fairer score. I’m not even joking.
And then, our marking from set plays was ridiculous. We just seemed incapable of sorting ourselves out.
I could give you the starting XI I’d go with based purely on pre -season, but will wait for the Bilbao game.
Let’s hope Van Damme was a one off. I’m certainly not writing him off as a player by any menas, but first impressions weren’t great.
And you know that saying…You can’t teach pace. That’s a worry.
Sad news. The Hoff has left the building:
http://www.expressandstar.com/sport/wolverhampton-wanderers-fc/2010/08/02/stefan-maierhofer-joins-duisburg/
That’s not sad, the only sad news is it’s a loan deal not cash in the bank.
I think you need to turn your sarcasm sensor up Stourbridge.
With him moving on, does that free up a spot in the squad? Might that mean an arrival is imminent?
It’s a shame it’s a loan, would be awkward if they didn’t sign him permanently. Statistically he’s infinitely better than Frankowski. Incidentally I was slagging off Frankowski again to a Polish mate, and it turns out he was from Frankowski’s home town and he was something of a hero growing up. Oops.
These early Van Damme reports are ruining my day..
Sorry Adam. Just think though, this would have blown away the cobwebs and given him a taste of what he can expect. He’ll be invigorated and up to speed come Stoke City, having gained this valuable experience. And maybe he was going slow to lull everyone, like Shane Warne did in England before he played for Australia…You never know!
haha..
i wonder if with elokobi, ward, hill, van damme & naylor now all on the training ground together, that Mick has forgotten what a decent left-back looks like?
certainly sounds like it would be a good time to rock up to compton with a pair of boots and a decent left peg.
We been rogered well and truly with Van Damme,,,,,didn’t you just know he was a lemon??
Jury well and truly out Daz, let’s not jump guns. By the way – how do you rate Brisbane’s chances this year? I reckon Glory will be top 3.
Well upon reading this, I was about to unveil my “I told you so” T-shirt, referencing as proof my post of last month in which I related the reaction of an Anderlecht fan I know here in HK to our purchase … I think I even used the word ‘lemon’ too …
… but then I noticed that none of last month’s posts before 20 July are archived
?!?
Anderlecht fan or not – jury is still out.
With regards to the lack of archiving – it’s probably best. No one likes an I told you so T-Shirt except the wearer.
Kowloon, thanks for bringing this to my attention. That archiving issue was quite a serious problem as I don’t want old posts disappearing into the wilderness.
I’ve fixed it now, so at the bottom of each month’s archive page, there’s now a link for ‘previous entries’ which takes you to earlier posts for that month.
Hope that helps.
I remember you saying van Damme was pants if it’s any consolation. But it’s still early doors.
Last season, a few people were banging on about Zubar being a clown, but he’s been one of our best players once he got a few games under his belt, so I take opinions with a pinch of salt until I’ve seen a player for myself over a decent stretch of games.
Lets give the bloke a chance he hasn’t even kicked a ball in a competitive game yet!
Just how much worse than Ward or Big G can he be?????
It’s unbelievable how much of a kicking he’s taking already after a bad game in a friendly. Let’s wait to we’ve seen him in a few games that actually mean something first
Many thanks for fixing the archiving issue Thomas. Thought I was going bonkers for a few moments yesterday.
Did I mention the jury was out?
That you did, t’OM. Let us hope JVD can make it into the first XI (I notice he was, ahem, ‘rested’ up at Tynecastle after his heroics against Leeds), or else I fear they’ll have to return a verdict of misadventure. You’ll never get that “I told you so” T-shirt off me then!
Watcha Ben.
Went to leeds and yes my black & gold heroes were awful. It shows that without Macienne or similar pacey player protecting our back four, and when our midfield were outpaced and outmoved we have a problem.
Fletcher looks useful, but only this and pace of Jarvis and Zubar were the plus points. We actually made Collins look a good player, why did n`t SEB get the ball turn and run the tugboat. SEB may look fit but didn`t contribute a thing, just confirmed playing 4-3-3 would be a disaster.
Van Damme will be great against a physical team who chuck in lots of high balls, but a nippy pacey winger will be a problem for him. If it had been a premier game he would have been sent off within 30 minutes. Not all of his making as often he had two players running at him when the midfield were bypassed.
The first two substitutions were Ward at left back, and Halford at right back, which just about summed up how awful we were and finished the day for me. Neither made a contribution at all, nothing new there, so I left early for an easy drive home.
Shambles seemed an appropriate description, and 2 weeks before the season starts.
I don’t think we should be worried, it was just a friendly and the players knew that too. It’s not a normal pre-season if we don’t take a hammering off lower league opposition.
It seems Van Damme may struggle when coming up against pacy wingers; Bale, Walcott, Bellamy, Lennon (the list is endless). Perhaps for ful, back we should’ve targeted pace not brawn.
I agree Rich – no need to judge the bloke on one game. Didn’t he play really well against the Bohs? How quick some are to judge on a couple of preseason run outs.
To be fair there aren’t many full backs that aren’t troubled by the likes of
Bale, Walcott, Bellamy, Lennon!!!! This is the best league in the world after all
Van Damme will struggle in most games, because the modern game is all about pace and skill second. We all know, and have all been saying for ages that left back is a problem… and we go and spend good money on this klarnet. Right side midfiled still hasn;t been sorted… Kightly, Hunt injured and Guardialo won;t be at home there either.
Anyway we beat Chasetown 7-1 so Europe here we come
That was the kids
So we should play the kids against Stoke? Fantastic, I’m in.
Sing:
“We all fuckin’ hate Leeds!!!!!!”
They know that we were probably the only Premier team they will play this year, so it was their cup final, and of course they raised their game.
We, on the other hand, purposely played poor, especially at left back, so all the prem scouts watching will go back and report that Van Damme is a jelly, and Ward will be first choice.
It’s a mental game being played by CL, to mess with the minds of the other prem managers, an evil plot to lull them all into a false sense of security, to think we will be push overs this season.
That’s my excuse for a poor performance, any way!!!
FOWB
2-0 win over Hearts. Crisis over
Hearts are so bad Colin Taylor would get in their team….. cue someone on here telling Colin I have “had a go” , and response from said Colin Taylor
asking me if I have ever played pro football ( no , but I’ve been watching it for nigh on 50 years!)
PS….Colin… I am only pulling your leg
Hearts and Leeds are probably of the same standard. Also if Ward and Halford scored, it shows our best side wasn’t out
I fear the worst if Halford and Ward scored…………….definite starters now against Stoke!!!!!
How bad can Hearts be?
On a much more serious note, not one of you lot have congratulated Ben for posting a picture of him and his gnome at Leeds!!!!!!!!
FOWB
I must admit, I’m very worried about this season. I certainly don’t think , by the sound of it, that we have the strength in the right areas… left back anyone? and as Mark said above, all teams need to do is run at Van Damme woth an overlapper, and we are stuffed. Blake, I’m afraid is a waste of space at this level and needs to be sold. Right side midfield….hello….anyone listening? is poor, and by playing Foley out of position is recipe for disaster. We have a relatively good start to the season, we need to get points on the board, not still be faffing around working out our best team!!
Dazza, you’d be worried if we’d signed the entire Spanish World Cup squad ;P
That said, whilst we have made some good signings, you’re definitely right in that it looks like there are still areas that we’ll need to address; the right wing does look like a confused area at the moment – I’m not sure how MM sees Foley following his comments about him being a potential holding midfielder earlier in the week. I thought we’d see more of Guedioura there, given that his activity at the World Cup was sparse.